I am an indecisive person. Always have been, most likely always will be. I also like things as they are and don't like to change things, or throw stuff away. So, when my parents stayed here for a night a week ago, they took me to Ikea to buy stuff - a big wardrobe, among other things. I put that thing up rather quikly - and since then it just stands there, empty. I just can't decide what to put in there, and how to sort it and stuff. Which is even worse, as it is divided differently from the one I already own (those two are supposed to be the same model?): less shelves, and smaller shelves. If I put my fabrics in there as mom wants me too, I will waste lot of space, as I can't stack the piles as high as I would need to to fill the shelves properly without everything falling over. Plus the shelves only fill 2/3 of the wardrobes depth, so I will habe a lot of free (and thus wasted) space there as well.
Another point is, I have several boxes standing around, filled with fabrics, fabric scraps, and cosplays. I have no idea what to do with those fabrics and scraps, I don't think I will ever use them - but I can't throw them away because should I one day neet something like them, I will forever be angry with myself for having thrown them away...
I also have no idea what to do with my boxes full of cosplay stuff. I really do not need those cosplays, I will most liekly never cosplay again, and I will most definitely never wear those ones again, as they are much too small. But those were my cosplays, I made them, I made some nice memories in them, so I don't want to throw them away - but still, I do not really need them and they are cluttering my flat.
Cosplay brings me to my next problem. I don't have hobbies. I like cosplay, but I never do anything about it. I like kimono and lolita, still I don't wear or even own anything in that direction. I like horses, but I am shit at riding. I like reading, but have a hard time getting excited about any stories, be it actual published books or just fanfiction.
I like cosplay. I love planning them, trying to figure out how to do stuff, research how to solve problems, find new techniques. But I never need anything of that, as I never work on anything. I most times like working on cosplays (or even just normal clothes). But I would never wear them, as I always feel inadequate and ugly. I definitely can't cosplay the characters I like, as 95% of those are male, and you just can't cosplay a guy with boobs my size (belive me, I tried binding, and nothing works). Leaves the odd female I like - whom I can't cosplay as I hate short skirts and trousers, close-fitting clothes, deep necklines, and generally feel fat and ugly.
I like kimono and lolita, but again, don't own any or would wear them. Or, I own one yukata - but I can't wear it, as I am too fat to fit, plus I have the worst figure one can have for wearing kimono, and additionally, I already sweat all the time without all the padding and additional layers a kimono requires. Same with lolita, I rarely find stuff I like in my size, I would sweat to death with a petticoat and stuff, and I just genereally feel too fat and ugly.
I like horses, but I am an awful rider. I have always known that I will never be a good rider, no matter how much I try. I am also impatient at times, I always feel like I have no control over how my body moves (which is so fucking important if you work with horses, i hand as well as under saddle), and if I were to name my weight, most peaple would instantly deem me too fat so go on any horse. So why do I even bother with trying and failing again? Only reason is that I love horses.
In the end, all that is left is reading. Which I used to enjoy immensely - but not anymore. I have no idea what happened, I just do not love reading anymore. I am not thrilled by clever storylines, I don't wait with baited breath what will happen. It is just another way to try and pass the time, like taking my gameboy and playing for a few minutes and then putting it away as it bores me just as much as doing nothing.
Well. Rant is over for now, even if it didn't solve anything. There aren't really any solutions to my problems, so whatever. And should anyone have read this, I am sorry you read this whole thing, there isn't any poit in or conclusion to this.
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